This is my life...
i came out of an accident.i dont know why i did it.maybe i was fed up with everything that has happened in my life.and i wasnt thinking straight.maybe i was pissed with myself for living a lie.maybe i was angry with myself for just allowing the one most important part of my life to slip anyway and not do anything about it.if u ask me if i regret.yea i do regret.i never knew what i wanted in life.i never knew what was the right thing to do.my mind was blank till the moment i hit the ground.then i realised and the moment i was in pain and i was closing my eyes i realised.but i think its too late.but i dont know i guess i should still try.if i tryi have nothing to loose.but if i suceed den id be happy and find myself again.im not one who tells da truth mainly because i had alot experiences with bad frenship.since that moment in australia i told myself i never wanted trust anyone.but i know i was wrong to think that.cause everythime wen i wanted open up 2 my old best friend i was afraid but i never showed her tat i was afraid.but i wen i could id try be understanding to her.and wen i could i would try be there for her.even if rain or thunder.i wont tell her the things ive done for her but id twist the truth cause i dont know.maybe im just afraid to get close to her.but i know deep down thats all i really want.i know that i survived for a reason.honestly.i want meant to live.thats why my parents keep telling me its my second chance.and they keep reminding me and wont let it go.im not the same person who i used to be.i admit yea i was a slut.yea i was a bitch.but now if u still want to call me that its ok im fine with it cause i deserve it.and im not proud of it.but i did alot of things for a reason.and sometimes i may have said stuff out of angry and maybe even jealousy.and i do admit that.but now its different.i know what i want.and i know whats right.i wont be happy without my old best friend.i dont want a new one.i never really did.i thought if she could replace me maybe i could replace her.but i was lying to myself.and out of anger i said alot crap but i was trying convince myself.i manage convince others but thats not what i wanted.i was angry at the fact of what was happening in front of my eyes.and i was fed up with my life.think about it.before i jumped a girl asked me.why do i want to do this.i told her indirectly why.but this is what went through my mind.i have nothing to loose.what was important to me i already lost.i lived a lie and its too late.if i could turn back time i would but i know i cant.so maybe it wasnt just an accidnet.but i dont know.i myself dont know what and why i was thinking like that.i wanted someone who could listen 2 me and be paitient with me.i wanted someone who loved me for me and would accept me for who i am.instead of always arguing with me i wanted to be understood for me.i had alot of baggage and all i really wanted was to be normal and to just let my old best freind know how i felt everytime when i needed someone.at that time i was with a guy who did love me but i knew there was something missing.i didnt know what but i ignored it.i didnt want to see.everytime when i needed to talk i could never really talk to him.instead i would alwasy get lectures and scoldings and id usually just accept it and be quiet.i would always get scared when i get to close to someone.espcially my old best friend.and thats all i really want.i want be happy having my old best friend back.i did alot of stupid things that i do regret but as much as i want to redo the things ive done 2 make things right im also afraid cause im finally going to tell her the truth bout everything and this time i mean the real truth.but if it doesnt work i know id loose hope again.and i dont want to loose hope again.id be lying if i said i dont care about her anymore cause i know and ill admit i care about her alot more than i ever have and ever did.and i still wnat to be there for her even if she doesnt want me there or doesnt even want to see my face again.i thought i could run.but i know i cant.not from her.im sorry for all the stupid things ive ever said it was out of anger cause i really missed you alot and i was angry that you replace me with someone else.i left you alone cause i wanted you be happy.but i was really hurt and upset inside that my old longest best friend was slipping away from me.when i was if my guy before.i always talk to him about you and told him i know you'd always be there for me no matter what.but he would try talk me out of it and i knew it was wrong and that i was afraid.and the moment you began to slip away i thought maybe he could be right but i didnt want that to happen.but all i did was stay back and watch.i went for the concert only to see and support you but i made people thing i only went there cause i promised a girl.part of it was a promised and actually i wasnt allowed to go but i argued with my parents and i went to the concert.i was so proud to see her preform on the stage.and she was great.but i didnt let her know anything.i didnt congrats her or anything.i acted like i didnt care.i kept everything of how i really felt to myself and i was for a really long tym.i couldn handle it anymore coz a small thing turned into a big thing for me and i dont know if this was part of the reason i had the accident or not.i dont know if this was what i wanted.but to actualy see my old best friend entering the hospital room where i was i was so happy words couldnt explain.i wanted tell her but i was rather weak and in pain but i kept silent.i dont know why im afraid to let people know how i really feel.i dont know why.but all i know is that knowing that she was there for me made me really happy and more determined to get up and out.i want to hug her and tell her the truth of how i missed her and the turth bout everything.but i dont know if shed give me that chance.but even if she doesnt ill respect that.and i know where i stand and its out of her life.i would want to make up for everything but only if shed allow me.cause i am sincere when i say im sorry for eveything i have done to hurt or insult her and i do want to make it up to her cause i want her to know she is very important to me.if shed let me id look out for her and take care of her like i really would and id always be there and be patient with her.but only if shes willing give me a chance.i really really do care about her.more than she thinks.and im just really sorry for everything.if she really wants me out of her life id respect her decision and id never say a word to her again.
would i be in the wrong to think that waht would happen if life if i didnt make it out alive?nobody can blame me for thinking this way.i'm just a messed up kid that was exposed to alot of heartache and pain and sorrow since i was just 5 years old.since i was 5 i wanted a normal life with loving family.but my family is screwed up.my relatives is all about comparing and into jealousy and always competeing.i dont know why.we are suppose be a family.it was so bad till everyone lied and cheated and the cousins were all spilt apart and did not even see eachother for 5 plus years.till we finally met again it was so awkward and we made a pack that no matter what we would not split again or be like our parents.we wanted a simple life with familys that showed us love in normal ways.but as much as we wanted that we could never get it.when i was young i had evrything blamed on me.and i was wacked really hard with da best buckle and the cane and anything my parents could get their hands on.i would tell them the truth.i didnt do it but they would just wack me harder cause no matter what i said they would think i did anyway.so since then i would always just say what they wanted to hear.and i would always just let things go and still no matter what id always be at fault even when i didnt do things.so i was so hurt and coped up about everything i didnt want to let people know who i really was and what im really like.ever since ive been someone whos really afraid of just letting people know how i feel.i dont know wy its just been like that ever since i could remember.though i try let out how i really feel instead of just faking it.its hard to just let people know cause sometimes people can be impatient and argue with me instead of just listening and letting me speak and let out how i really feel.sometimes i really do just need soemone to listen to me.but its hard cause somtimes people just rather argue and get all impatient and stuff.and so i let poeple think that i am just someone who cant be bothered about things and dont actually care about them when actually i care alot more than people think.i just dont show it.and as much as i wanted to show how much i cared about my old best friend i was always afraid to tell her the truth even when it was a good news.i dont know why myself.and sometimes i dont understand myself.and if i cant understand myself how could she understand me?!this is why im always keeping how i really feel inside.i know its not good but i want to change and im going to change.i just need soemone give me a chance and the only person is from my old best friend.shes the only chance i really need right now.and shes the only chance that matters.
i was a playgirl i was a slut i was a bitch i was an ass i was fucked up in everyway possible.i admit and people can say it to my face and ill accept it.i know what i was and im trying to chance.and id do it for my old best friend.it took me a long time to realise and face the fact but it was cause i didnt want to seem like a fool or seem weak and to loose the closest person i ever had.i was scared.i was afraid.when i needed a shoulder i was alwasy trying hide and hold in.but most of the time i just needed her there for me.all i know is what i say now and whatever i say woulnt mean a thing to her.and i dont know if i should even try.but a part of me wants to cause sometimes its better to find out then to wonder to yourself "what if" and thats what ive always been wondering and never had the guts to do.
i always feel insecure like id always need someone.thats why i had guys after guys and sometimes even just more than one guy.honestly i wasnt happen with myself.i just didnt know what i wanted in life.and i was just a confused kid who just couldnt wake up and realise my needs.i could get any guy i wanted but that wasnt want made me happy.what i realised made me happy was spending time with someone then going to my old best friend and telling her bits and pieces of the stories.and yea sounds stupid and boring and sometimes retarded but its just the small moments that we spent together that makes me really miss her the most.i dont know if you could tell how much i really wished everything was ok but you dont have to believe me.but this is my story and there's more.this is just the beginning of my life.honestly if you think you know me you really dont.but once you read front this pst onwards you'd realise i have a dark past.i never liked talking about my past but now i think maybe i should.and whoever want to use it against me then go ahead.cause well i dont really care anymore.i just want my old best friend to forgive me and give me a chance.
i met this guy called Benjamin.and i mean it when i say im serious about him this time.no joking around and im not playing him with any other guy.im not using him or anything.i am serious about him.and i do mean it.i love him.i dont deserve him and i admit that.but as long as he's my guy i will love him and only him and i mean it.i dont want to play him and i wont play him.im tired of my old life and im going to turn over a new leaf for everyone that is willing to give me a chance.i will always be here for him and i will always love him and only him.no games.no tricks.im serious about him and im keeping it that way
i came out of an accident.i dont know why i did it.maybe i was fed up with everything that has happened in my life.and i wasnt thinking straight.maybe i was pissed with myself for living a lie.maybe i was angry with myself for just allowing the one most important part of my life to slip anyway and not do anything about it.if u ask me if i regret.yea i do regret.i never knew what i wanted in life.i never knew what was the right thing to do.my mind was blank till the moment i hit the ground.then i realised and the moment i was in pain and i was closing my eyes i realised.but i think its too late.but i dont know i guess i should still try.if i tryi have nothing to loose.but if i suceed den id be happy and find myself again.im not one who tells da truth mainly because i had alot experiences with bad frenship.since that moment in australia i told myself i never wanted trust anyone.but i know i was wrong to think that.cause everythime wen i wanted open up 2 my old best friend i was afraid but i never showed her tat i was afraid.but i wen i could id try be understanding to her.and wen i could i would try be there for her.even if rain or thunder.i wont tell her the things ive done for her but id twist the truth cause i dont know.maybe im just afraid to get close to her.but i know deep down thats all i really want.i know that i survived for a reason.honestly.i want meant to live.thats why my parents keep telling me its my second chance.and they keep reminding me and wont let it go.im not the same person who i used to be.i admit yea i was a slut.yea i was a bitch.but now if u still want to call me that its ok im fine with it cause i deserve it.and im not proud of it.but i did alot of things for a reason.and sometimes i may have said stuff out of angry and maybe even jealousy.and i do admit that.but now its different.i know what i want.and i know whats right.i wont be happy without my old best friend.i dont want a new one.i never really did.i thought if she could replace me maybe i could replace her.but i was lying to myself.and out of anger i said alot crap but i was trying convince myself.i manage convince others but thats not what i wanted.i was angry at the fact of what was happening in front of my eyes.and i was fed up with my life.think about it.before i jumped a girl asked me.why do i want to do this.i told her indirectly why.but this is what went through my mind.i have nothing to loose.what was important to me i already lost.i lived a lie and its too late.if i could turn back time i would but i know i cant.so maybe it wasnt just an accidnet.but i dont know.i myself dont know what and why i was thinking like that.i wanted someone who could listen 2 me and be paitient with me.i wanted someone who loved me for me and would accept me for who i am.instead of always arguing with me i wanted to be understood for me.i had alot of baggage and all i really wanted was to be normal and to just let my old best freind know how i felt everytime when i needed someone.at that time i was with a guy who did love me but i knew there was something missing.i didnt know what but i ignored it.i didnt want to see.everytime when i needed to talk i could never really talk to him.instead i would alwasy get lectures and scoldings and id usually just accept it and be quiet.i would always get scared when i get to close to someone.espcially my old best friend.and thats all i really want.i want be happy having my old best friend back.i did alot of stupid things that i do regret but as much as i want to redo the things ive done 2 make things right im also afraid cause im finally going to tell her the truth bout everything and this time i mean the real truth.but if it doesnt work i know id loose hope again.and i dont want to loose hope again.id be lying if i said i dont care about her anymore cause i know and ill admit i care about her alot more than i ever have and ever did.and i still wnat to be there for her even if she doesnt want me there or doesnt even want to see my face again.i thought i could run.but i know i cant.not from her.im sorry for all the stupid things ive ever said it was out of anger cause i really missed you alot and i was angry that you replace me with someone else.i left you alone cause i wanted you be happy.but i was really hurt and upset inside that my old longest best friend was slipping away from me.when i was if my guy before.i always talk to him about you and told him i know you'd always be there for me no matter what.but he would try talk me out of it and i knew it was wrong and that i was afraid.and the moment you began to slip away i thought maybe he could be right but i didnt want that to happen.but all i did was stay back and watch.i went for the concert only to see and support you but i made people thing i only went there cause i promised a girl.part of it was a promised and actually i wasnt allowed to go but i argued with my parents and i went to the concert.i was so proud to see her preform on the stage.and she was great.but i didnt let her know anything.i didnt congrats her or anything.i acted like i didnt care.i kept everything of how i really felt to myself and i was for a really long tym.i couldn handle it anymore coz a small thing turned into a big thing for me and i dont know if this was part of the reason i had the accident or not.i dont know if this was what i wanted.but to actualy see my old best friend entering the hospital room where i was i was so happy words couldnt explain.i wanted tell her but i was rather weak and in pain but i kept silent.i dont know why im afraid to let people know how i really feel.i dont know why.but all i know is that knowing that she was there for me made me really happy and more determined to get up and out.i want to hug her and tell her the truth of how i missed her and the turth bout everything.but i dont know if shed give me that chance.but even if she doesnt ill respect that.and i know where i stand and its out of her life.i would want to make up for everything but only if shed allow me.cause i am sincere when i say im sorry for eveything i have done to hurt or insult her and i do want to make it up to her cause i want her to know she is very important to me.if shed let me id look out for her and take care of her like i really would and id always be there and be patient with her.but only if shes willing give me a chance.i really really do care about her.more than she thinks.and im just really sorry for everything.if she really wants me out of her life id respect her decision and id never say a word to her again.
would i be in the wrong to think that waht would happen if life if i didnt make it out alive?nobody can blame me for thinking this way.i'm just a messed up kid that was exposed to alot of heartache and pain and sorrow since i was just 5 years old.since i was 5 i wanted a normal life with loving family.but my family is screwed up.my relatives is all about comparing and into jealousy and always competeing.i dont know why.we are suppose be a family.it was so bad till everyone lied and cheated and the cousins were all spilt apart and did not even see eachother for 5 plus years.till we finally met again it was so awkward and we made a pack that no matter what we would not split again or be like our parents.we wanted a simple life with familys that showed us love in normal ways.but as much as we wanted that we could never get it.when i was young i had evrything blamed on me.and i was wacked really hard with da best buckle and the cane and anything my parents could get their hands on.i would tell them the truth.i didnt do it but they would just wack me harder cause no matter what i said they would think i did anyway.so since then i would always just say what they wanted to hear.and i would always just let things go and still no matter what id always be at fault even when i didnt do things.so i was so hurt and coped up about everything i didnt want to let people know who i really was and what im really like.ever since ive been someone whos really afraid of just letting people know how i feel.i dont know wy its just been like that ever since i could remember.though i try let out how i really feel instead of just faking it.its hard to just let people know cause sometimes people can be impatient and argue with me instead of just listening and letting me speak and let out how i really feel.sometimes i really do just need soemone to listen to me.but its hard cause somtimes people just rather argue and get all impatient and stuff.and so i let poeple think that i am just someone who cant be bothered about things and dont actually care about them when actually i care alot more than people think.i just dont show it.and as much as i wanted to show how much i cared about my old best friend i was always afraid to tell her the truth even when it was a good news.i dont know why myself.and sometimes i dont understand myself.and if i cant understand myself how could she understand me?!this is why im always keeping how i really feel inside.i know its not good but i want to change and im going to change.i just need soemone give me a chance and the only person is from my old best friend.shes the only chance i really need right now.and shes the only chance that matters.
i was a playgirl i was a slut i was a bitch i was an ass i was fucked up in everyway possible.i admit and people can say it to my face and ill accept it.i know what i was and im trying to chance.and id do it for my old best friend.it took me a long time to realise and face the fact but it was cause i didnt want to seem like a fool or seem weak and to loose the closest person i ever had.i was scared.i was afraid.when i needed a shoulder i was alwasy trying hide and hold in.but most of the time i just needed her there for me.all i know is what i say now and whatever i say woulnt mean a thing to her.and i dont know if i should even try.but a part of me wants to cause sometimes its better to find out then to wonder to yourself "what if" and thats what ive always been wondering and never had the guts to do.
i always feel insecure like id always need someone.thats why i had guys after guys and sometimes even just more than one guy.honestly i wasnt happen with myself.i just didnt know what i wanted in life.and i was just a confused kid who just couldnt wake up and realise my needs.i could get any guy i wanted but that wasnt want made me happy.what i realised made me happy was spending time with someone then going to my old best friend and telling her bits and pieces of the stories.and yea sounds stupid and boring and sometimes retarded but its just the small moments that we spent together that makes me really miss her the most.i dont know if you could tell how much i really wished everything was ok but you dont have to believe me.but this is my story and there's more.this is just the beginning of my life.honestly if you think you know me you really dont.but once you read front this pst onwards you'd realise i have a dark past.i never liked talking about my past but now i think maybe i should.and whoever want to use it against me then go ahead.cause well i dont really care anymore.i just want my old best friend to forgive me and give me a chance.
i met this guy called Benjamin.and i mean it when i say im serious about him this time.no joking around and im not playing him with any other guy.im not using him or anything.i am serious about him.and i do mean it.i love him.i dont deserve him and i admit that.but as long as he's my guy i will love him and only him and i mean it.i dont want to play him and i wont play him.im tired of my old life and im going to turn over a new leaf for everyone that is willing to give me a chance.i will always be here for him and i will always love him and only him.no games.no tricks.im serious about him and im keeping it that way
No comments:
Post a Comment